I get bored of the ceiling. I turn to my side and look out the window. I see a bright green train speeding by on its tracks. I hear seagulls. All the windows have Christmas trees in them, with sparkling fairy lights and glittering ornaments.
***
I've just come back from a 10 day trip around Germany. After constant contact with people, the enormous shift to being alone (on Christmas no less) frightens me. Its a fear I'm not used to, since I revel in being alone. Time with myself has always been easy.
***
My phone is buzzing with Christmas texts from my friends back home. I cant bear to open them. I feel ill. My head is spinning a little. I think I'm hungry, I just don't have the will to eat right now.
I want to get out of my apartment and run. I want to lace up my shoes and just go. I advise myself against it though - I have a feeling I'd collapse. It's so dark, no one would find me.
I want to get out of my apartment and run. I want to lace up my shoes and just go. I advise myself against it though - I have a feeling I'd collapse. It's so dark, no one would find me.
***
I think I've been terribly happy for 10 days.
Terribly happy surrounded by people - Its so unusual.
Have I changed so much?
Is that a bad thing?
And now? Now I think I'm scared of being alone. Afraid to spend today alone.
