10am. 14°C

Exam's almost over. Been awake for 2 days. Jon Snow just became Lord Commander. 

Have you ever been so exhausted you couldnt sleep? Seems to be happening to me. Its that, or the 5 hour Game of Thrones marathon. 

Im going with exhaustion. 

Its been a tough month. Im glad its almost done. 

Its okay though. Nothing coffee and Kit Harrington cant cure. 

I feel like stepping in front of traffic. 
But there isn't any at 2am. 

Have you ever had the need to feel something so intensely & so deeply that you are physically hurt?   

Haven't you ever felt the need to cling on to something that destroys you. 

It latches on to you and its enchanting allurement is that the source of your pain emanates not from it, but from you.  

It consumes your senses. It gets in your blood, it quickens your pulse, it takes over your mind. Suddenly you’re submerged & the thought of clear blue water rushing into your lungs doesn't seem like the worst thing anymore. 

You can experience nothing else and sometimes you feel as though you’ll never need to anyway. 

Such an exquisite form of self-destruction don’t you think

12.30pm. 15°C

Just looked over the work I have to do in the next two weeks and I'm balancing dangerously on the border of 

'Yes you can do this! Hard work and long hours will pay off' 

and 

*Tries not to panic ... Panic anyways* 

I feel like I'm letting my parents down and this is the worst part, far beyond any bad grade.  

3 am. 14°C. 

Im so done with this weather.

Had my first exam today. Wish I could say it was great good manageable passable? Slept for about 2 hours last night and woke up covered in sweat. (Okay so it was 25°C last night and I was wrapped in a winter duvet, but still). I'm disappointed in myself - sure - but I cant let this stop me. I have 3 more papers to go. We can turn this around. 

Also, I may have an inkling as to what being tired really means. I've stayed up for 36 hours straight before, but the mental exhaustion this time is so much worse. It appears studying makes us crankier, more inefficient versions of ourselves. We need more sleep, more food and more rest just to maintain a steady pace.  

But at the same time, it feels so good being this tired because it means I'm putting in everything I have. 100%. 24/7. Okay, maybe not 24/7. I love getting into bed feeling exhausted and absolutely drained - like I've earned this rest. 

Getting up the next day and doing it all over again is a terrifying thought of course. But what you could look forward to instead is that moment late at night when you (gracefully?) flop into bed and turn off the lights knowing that you, with all your might, wit and determination, did all you could to make today count.  

Junk Folder in My Brain

I think I'm having some anxiety. My pulse has been racing all day and I cant seem to keep my breath steady. I keep having to take deep gulps of air just sitting down at my laptop.


Its exams obviously. It sounds so trivial, but even as I write now I catch my pulse racing and I have to consciously calm down.


Alot has happened in the past week - it seems like everything decided to go wrong one week before exams. I've had to make important decisions after having my choices taken away from me. I've lost some money. Some sanity too.


I actively try to stay calm, but very little is working. I read somewhere that trying not to worry about your problems actually causes you to focus more on them because your mind is on the lookout for them, ready to scream, 'STOP thinking about it!' You see? Counterproductive.


I think that's why I came here. I'll just put it out there. I've acknowledged the anxiety and the worry and the stress - a sort of spring cleaning of the junk thoughts in my brain. I'm clearing it out so I can focus on my work.


Wish me luck.