Yes, I Miss Her Too

You don't think I'm sad? You think I get by just fine? I'm not the one who gets to break down. Not in this instance. That's for you, you get to do that. So I hold it together. I'm not going to be sad around you. It'd be selfish of me. 

I cry. I cry everyday almost. When I sleep. When I study. When I'm alone. I can't take it sometimes, all this emotion. I wish I didn't have to feel it. Like I could just lock it away somewhere and deal with it later. Or never maybe. It overwhelms me. 

She's gone. But she's safe now. I take a huge amount of solace in that. I don't expect you to see it that way anytime soon. But don't ever assume I've forgotten, or that I don't care. 

It physically hurts me to see you sad. But you need time, and I understand that. I know sometimes I come off cold and uncaring, but that's me trying to give you space to breathe. To think. To grieve. 

Time. They like to say it heals. 
I suppose we'll find out.

Eric Clapton - Layla

Probably one of the greatest love songs ever written.

Vacant

Funny how going back to school can turn you into the raging, pessimistic horror of a person you swore you'd never go back to. You'd never again need to turn to the bottom of a bottle or smoke or shoot up or cut to feel happy (or feel anything at all). 
Like a 3 month holiday was ever going to change, basically, my entire outlook on life. Who was I trying to kid?  

This whole year has gone by in a blur, and for once that's actually true. I feel a constant distance recently. And not just from people, from myself. I cant feel anymore, if that makes sense. My days have become a haze of accumulated work, assignments, applications, due dates and test scores, culminating on a one time only performance in a cold dank exam hall. 

Can you feel numb? I mean, isn't it, by very definition, devoid of sensation. 

Hunger, pain, cold, pleasure. 
Where'd they go?