Paris, the Summer of 2017

I lie in bed tonight and Paris comes to mind.

The summer of 2017. Hot and sticky and beautiful. Umpteen buttery croissants in hand, I wandered the streets without a plan. I found myself in bakeries, bookshops, and bars. People watching while munching pretzels (which I discovered I hate).

I had shades on my head and a baguette in my purse and should've been feeling on top of the world. That, however, is not how this story goes.

I woke up that morning in tears. The thought of getting out of my hostel bed made me nauseous. My friends caught the 6am train to Disneyland & I had the day to do with as I pleased. I steeled myself; said I wouldn't waste the sunshine, the city, the food. Told myself a boy shouldn't ruin my holiday. But I couldn't, I physically couldn't.

I cocooned myself in a thin little blanket and cried. Heaving sobs - the kind that made it hard to breathe - and the tears fell relentlessly. My brain understood that this was a process necessary to heal, but all I prayed for was it to stop. I couldn't take it. I wanted to skip to the part where I was whole again, but I couldn't.

The crying and heaving and sobbing were necessary. And when they were over, I dried my eyes, fixed myself up and started my journey around Paris. Cautiously, I didn't wander too far at first - I memorized routes, road names, landmarks. I didn't have an appetite on me, so I never needed to stop for food (The baguette in my purse was for munching when I felt faint).

I stopped at a lovely little cafe and decided to dine al fresco (cake & hot chocolate count as *dining* yes?). Here, I began to write. Several hours I spent, writing (on little bits of napkin), sipping, people watching. What a catharsis it was.

Suddenly, the urge to cry had disappeared.
What? Of course I was still sad. Hurt? Yes. Heartbroken? Yes. But the tears had stopped. I'd never cry for him again. That morning was the last.

That was the healing.

[Brian]

i sit silently 
in your car
through quivering lips 
and restless hands 
and ache to undo you 
from underneath my skin 

[Brian]

"touch me gently 
and i'll unravel before you"

[Brian]

Luke tomorrow
Michael on Saturday 
Josh on Tuesday
and Gareth on Friday 

But all I really want 
is to spend the weekend with you again 

Goddammit

[Brian]

and what i'll miss most 
is when i turn over in your bed
and suddenly feel you
curve your body around mine 
you wrap your arms around me
and grip me so tight 
sometimes 
i feel the air leave my lungs

[Brian]

i stole little glances of him
i couldn't stand too much more than that 

i focused on his eyes 
the same blue eyes i looked up into 
as i lay splayed open in his bed 
with the same intensity i had the first time we met 

my gaze wandered across his face as he spoke 
i stared like i'd never seen him before
because i knew i'd never see him again 

but i barely heard a word he said 
the same voice that could
command me to spread apart like 
a canvas stretched bare on an easel 
begging for paint 
now seemed like white noise in the distance 

my attention now dropped to his lips 
the same lips that feasted on me
in the night time 
and poured honey over me
in the day time 

he took my flesh into his mouth and
bit and sucked and kissed gratefully 
and it was there that i mistook
lust for affection 

i couldn't even look at his hands 
because i knew where they'd been
so often had he wrapped his fingers 
around my hair 
and pulled 
and this was how he drew music out of me 

but surely he sensed
something was wrong 
when he dipped his fingers into me 
looking for honey 
that wouldn't come for him


[Brian, 30] 

I haven't been home in almost a year. 

I haven't seen my family in almost a year. 

And I'm weeping over Christmas songs in June. 

And when the universe has finished exploding all the stars will slow down, like a ball that has been thrown into the air, and they will come to a halt and they will all begin to fall towards the centre of the universe again. And then there will be nothing to stop us seeing all the stars in the world because they will all be moving towards us, gradually faster and faster, and we will know that the world is going to end soon because when we look up into the sky at night there will be no darkness, just the blazing light of billions and billions of stars, all falling. 

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time 

I'd hate to need you,
I only want to want you,
But I find myself yearning to see you this Monday, 
Is it exam stress or something else? 

Lets not be hasty. 
Lets not jump to conclusions, 
I do have a history of making ridiculous decisions under stress, 
And company law is hella stressful. 

I need to think like Rupi Kaur and drown oceans instead. 

I feel my bones creak under the magnitude of my inadequacies. 
Its unpleasant to say the least. 

I'm tried, yet no amount of sleep may satisfy me, 
I'm hungry, but food appears to have lost its taste, 
I am both restless and listless at the same time, 
I crave sunlight & adventure, but refuse to leave my bed until well past noon, 
I fret about my future, but take no steps to alleviate this anxiety.

Basically I'm a fuck-up. 
This poem is crap. 
And everything sucks.


Happy Easter I guess. 

[Luke, 22 years old]

And in a clear and desperate attempt to get over you,
I kissed this boy,
I really didn't want to,
But I did anyway.

I thought it'd make me feel better,
But all it did was remind me that I'm into you,
Fuck.

Fuck this.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.

Fuck me? 

And in the flurry of all these men, 
I think I lost a bit of myself, 
And I discovered a little about myself too. 

Turns out I'm not that much of an Ice Queen, 
This is both good and bad, 
It has reinforced my fear of commitment, 
And uncovered an extreme vulnerability that I forgot I'd buried a long time ago, 
This is bad. Only bad, I think.  

I've discovered what I like & what I dislike, 
I've been exposed to all types of characters, 
And almost all have shocked me. 

There's a running theme through this whole experience,
And I refuse to accept it - Everyone be damned, 
Rules and principles shall be upheld to the exclusion of fuck boys, 
Notwithstanding any amount of ache & late night loneliness, 
And you'll be a better person for it.  

[Aron, 24 years old]

And if I'd known that'd be the last time I saw you, 
I would've worn that skirt, 
I would've kissed you longer, 
I would've bitten your lip a little harder, 
I would slide your hand up my blouse, 
And stay in that backseat with you till sunrise. 

Fuck the kids walking by. Let them watch. 
Doesn't that just make it more exciting 

[Conor, 20 years old]

I met him at 4am after a night of drinking and debauchery, 
We'd been speaking for some time prior, 
It was our first meeting. 

He was eager & I was reckless, 
How extremely stupid in hindsight, 
But it was fun? Exciting? Part of being in your 20s? 
At least that's how I justify it. 

We kissed under the stars in the park, 
And the streetlights carried us home. 

(To our separate homes. Separately)

A Series of Unfortunate Decisions Pt 2

[Gethin, 19 years old]

So in a desperate attempt to get over my French professor, 
I sought the solace of a night club, 
Confidence boosted by the heady mix of vodka and tequila shots, 
My friends and I made it our mission to dance the night away, 
Till our feet hurt,
Till the club closed, 
Till we couldn't remember how we got home. 

Then I met him - G.T.
Extremely charming, very sober, 1st year medical student, 
Boy was saying all the right things, 
We kissed & gosh, he was good at it.  

Clearly, by my use of the word 'gosh' even you can accurately estimate the depth of my inexperience.  

We went home together - both very sober & very excited, 
No, I didn't sleep with him,
But I didn't do anything I didn't want to, 
It was fun. Very fun. 
He left (very blue) at 5.30am.

It sounds like a terrible cliche that I should've caught from the start, 
But I couldn't see through the fog of his lips and hands all over me, 
I allowed myself to think about what it'd be like to spend more time with him, 
Shockingly Stupidly Naively, most of this didn't include me on my back on his bedroom floor (some a lot of it did though), 
My dewy-eyes and untrained hand couldn't give him what he needed. 

I'm usually more weary of fuck boys, 
I don't know why I dropped the ball with this one, 
I am both sad & glad that this happened, 
Learnt my lesson the hard way.
(It really was)

A Series of Unfortunate Decisions Pt 1

[Anthony, late twenties/early thirties]

Its ridiculous
I met him on Monday & was in 'love' with him by Wednesday. 

I desperately wanted to fuck my French professor
So desperate in fact, that I was almost glad our classes were coming to an end - It would've given me a chance to calm down and get over him.  

I didn't want to get over him though. 
I'd prefer to get under him. 
Over him, 
Upside down, 
On my knees, 
Over furniture,
Against windows, 
Anywhere really. 

It's ridiculous that this intense infatuation actually led to my doing something about it. 
Luckily for me (though I didn't see it that way at the time) he turned me down. 
I still feel that tiny stab of disappointment when he said 'No, I'm sorry I don't have the time'. 
Sure he was saying 'no' to coffee, but would he have said 'yes' to anything else? 

I don't wonder anymore. 

See the thing about strangers is...

[Grant, 22 years old]

We didn't speak. We just kissed. 

He pressed his lips onto mine and froze time. 

We were in the middle of a crowd - with flashing lights and sparkling confetti, with booming music and hot bodies pressed up against each other;

And it felt as if it were just he and I. 

Christmas Eve 2016

So I'm spending Christmas Eve lying on my kitchen floor. It's 4.30pm, the sun is setting, the wind is howling. I blast classical music and stare at the ceiling. It's a perfect cliche. 

I get bored of the ceiling. I turn to my side and look out the window. I see a bright green train speeding by on its tracks. I hear seagulls. All the windows have Christmas trees in them, with sparkling fairy lights and glittering ornaments. 

***

I've just come back from a 10 day trip around Germany. After constant contact with people, the enormous shift to being alone (on Christmas no less) frightens me. Its a fear I'm not used to, since I revel in being alone. Time with myself has always been easy.  

***

My phone is buzzing with Christmas texts from my friends back home. I cant bear to open them. I feel ill. My head is spinning a little. I think I'm hungry, I just don't have the will to eat right now.  
I want to get out of my apartment and run. I want to lace up my shoes and just go. I advise myself against it though - I have a feeling I'd collapse. It's so dark, no one would find me. 

*** 

I think I've been terribly happy for 10 days. 
Terribly happy surrounded by people - Its so unusual. 
Have I changed so much? 
Is that a bad thing? 

And now? Now I think I'm scared of being alone. Afraid to spend today alone. 

It just hit me that I won't be home this year

What an intensely sad thought

Oh man. Black Friday & Cyber Monday really got me. 

What a dangerous combination of massive sales and 3am-panic-fuelled-redbull-induced-stress-shopping.