[Luke, 22 years old]

And in a clear and desperate attempt to get over you,
I kissed this boy,
I really didn't want to,
But I did anyway.

I thought it'd make me feel better,
But all it did was remind me that I'm into you,
Fuck.

Fuck this.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.

Fuck me? 

And in the flurry of all these men, 
I think I lost a bit of myself, 
And I discovered a little about myself too. 

Turns out I'm not that much of an Ice Queen, 
This is both good and bad, 
It has reinforced my fear of commitment, 
And uncovered an extreme vulnerability that I forgot I'd buried a long time ago, 
This is bad. Only bad, I think.  

I've discovered what I like & what I dislike, 
I've been exposed to all types of characters, 
And almost all have shocked me. 

There's a running theme through this whole experience,
And I refuse to accept it - Everyone be damned, 
Rules and principles shall be upheld to the exclusion of fuck boys, 
Notwithstanding any amount of ache & late night loneliness, 
And you'll be a better person for it.  

[Aron, 24 years old]

And if I'd known that'd be the last time I saw you, 
I would've worn that skirt, 
I would've kissed you longer, 
I would've bitten your lip a little harder, 
I would slide your hand up my blouse, 
And stay in that backseat with you till sunrise. 

Fuck the kids walking by. Let them watch. 
Doesn't that just make it more exciting 

[Conor, 20 years old]

I met him at 4am after a night of drinking and debauchery, 
We'd been speaking for some time prior, 
It was our first meeting. 

He was eager & I was reckless, 
How extremely stupid in hindsight, 
But it was fun? Exciting? Part of being in your 20s? 
At least that's how I justify it. 

We kissed under the stars in the park, 
And the streetlights carried us home. 

(To our separate homes. Separately)

A Series of Unfortunate Decisions Pt 2

[Gethin, 19 years old]

So in a desperate attempt to get over my French professor, 
I sought the solace of a night club, 
Confidence boosted by the heady mix of vodka and tequila shots, 
My friends and I made it our mission to dance the night away, 
Till our feet hurt,
Till the club closed, 
Till we couldn't remember how we got home. 

Then I met him - G.T.
Extremely charming, very sober, 1st year medical student, 
Boy was saying all the right things, 
We kissed & gosh, he was good at it.  

Clearly, by my use of the word 'gosh' even you can accurately estimate the depth of my inexperience.  

We went home together - both very sober & very excited, 
No, I didn't sleep with him,
But I didn't do anything I didn't want to, 
It was fun. Very fun. 
He left (very blue) at 5.30am.

It sounds like a terrible cliche that I should've caught from the start, 
But I couldn't see through the fog of his lips and hands all over me, 
I allowed myself to think about what it'd be like to spend more time with him, 
Shockingly Stupidly Naively, most of this didn't include me on my back on his bedroom floor (some a lot of it did though), 
My dewy-eyes and untrained hand couldn't give him what he needed. 

I'm usually more weary of fuck boys, 
I don't know why I dropped the ball with this one, 
I am both sad & glad that this happened, 
Learnt my lesson the hard way.
(It really was)

A Series of Unfortunate Decisions Pt 1

[Anthony, late twenties/early thirties]

Its ridiculous
I met him on Monday & was in 'love' with him by Wednesday. 

I desperately wanted to fuck my French professor
So desperate in fact, that I was almost glad our classes were coming to an end - It would've given me a chance to calm down and get over him.  

I didn't want to get over him though. 
I'd prefer to get under him. 
Over him, 
Upside down, 
On my knees, 
Over furniture,
Against windows, 
Anywhere really. 

It's ridiculous that this intense infatuation actually led to my doing something about it. 
Luckily for me (though I didn't see it that way at the time) he turned me down. 
I still feel that tiny stab of disappointment when he said 'No, I'm sorry I don't have the time'. 
Sure he was saying 'no' to coffee, but would he have said 'yes' to anything else? 

I don't wonder anymore. 

See the thing about strangers is...

[Grant, 22 years old]

We didn't speak. We just kissed. 

He pressed his lips onto mine and froze time. 

We were in the middle of a crowd - with flashing lights and sparkling confetti, with booming music and hot bodies pressed up against each other;

And it felt as if it were just he and I. 

Christmas Eve 2016

So I'm spending Christmas Eve lying on my kitchen floor. It's 4.30pm, the sun is setting, the wind is howling. I blast classical music and stare at the ceiling. It's a perfect cliche. 

I get bored of the ceiling. I turn to my side and look out the window. I see a bright green train speeding by on its tracks. I hear seagulls. All the windows have Christmas trees in them, with sparkling fairy lights and glittering ornaments. 

***

I've just come back from a 10 day trip around Germany. After constant contact with people, the enormous shift to being alone (on Christmas no less) frightens me. Its a fear I'm not used to, since I revel in being alone. Time with myself has always been easy.  

***

My phone is buzzing with Christmas texts from my friends back home. I cant bear to open them. I feel ill. My head is spinning a little. I think I'm hungry, I just don't have the will to eat right now.  
I want to get out of my apartment and run. I want to lace up my shoes and just go. I advise myself against it though - I have a feeling I'd collapse. It's so dark, no one would find me. 

*** 

I think I've been terribly happy for 10 days. 
Terribly happy surrounded by people - Its so unusual. 
Have I changed so much? 
Is that a bad thing? 

And now? Now I think I'm scared of being alone. Afraid to spend today alone. 

It just hit me that I won't be home this year

What an intensely sad thought

Oh man. Black Friday & Cyber Monday really got me. 

What a dangerous combination of massive sales and 3am-panic-fuelled-redbull-induced-stress-shopping.

All Souls Day 2016

I cant believe its been 3 years. 

The first time I went to a cemetery was in 2013 when my grandmother passed away.

I wrote about it.

It was the first time I'd experienced loss & extreme grief. I think it affected my performance at school, but I refuse to blame her for my grades. That was my own doing.  

We go to the cemetery every year now. Now this is a tradition of my family. Even when I'm not home I make it to a cemetery to pray for her soul and the souls of the people buried there.  

My friends think it's rather morbid to go to a cemetery. It was beautiful though; Autumn hadn't fully rid the trees of their leaves. Our boots made a delicious crunching noise on the leaves as we walked along the path. The sun streamed in through the tall trees. There was a slight breeze. Cyclists rode by, staring curiously at us. We prayed the rosary (her favourite prayer) and sang in Latin (Salve Regina). 

It was - save for the tombstones - rather picturesque. 

Back in 2013, I didn't think I'd be able to take that amount of sadness. I was cutting again. I was crying everywhere. I couldn't get through the days very well. I wondered how I'd be able keep that up long term.  

Now, in 2016, I try to think about what her voice sounds like. What it felt like when she was near me. What her perfume smelt like. It still pains me to think about her in the past tense. And everytime I see her name on that headstone, my throat closes slightly and I feel this wave of grief fall over me again. 

I don't think you ever fully get over grief. I think you just make space for it in your life.

I tell her stories now. I help make her food. We wear her jewellery. 

We go on memories now.  

Secret Hitler is a game that fosters patience, a knack for observing facial cues, and a unhealthy distrust of people. 

It also mercilessly tears down friendships.  

So there's that.  

1am. 8°C. Frigid autumn winds. 

So there I was. Sitting on a kid size bicycle under the glare of the streetlight on an empty road in my neighborhood: My incredibly patient friends were teaching me to ride a bicycle. 

My childhood fear of falling clearly hadn't left me - between screams of "DON'T LET GO" and "IM FAAAALLING" its like I was 7 years old all over again. And it was amazing.

My plan not to grow up may yet succeed. 

[Unknown, early twenties]

4.05am. 12°C. 

Kissed a tall gentleman in red plaid. 

We hadn't time to exchange names, 
but just enough to exchange tongues.  

10am. 14°C

Exam's almost over. Been awake for 2 days. Jon Snow just became Lord Commander. 

Have you ever been so exhausted you couldnt sleep? Seems to be happening to me. Its that, or the 5 hour Game of Thrones marathon. 

Im going with exhaustion. 

Its been a tough month. Im glad its almost done. 

Its okay though. Nothing coffee and Kit Harrington cant cure. 

I feel like stepping in front of traffic. 
But there isn't any at 2am. 

Have you ever had the need to feel something so intensely & so deeply that you are physically hurt?   

Haven't you ever felt the need to cling on to something that destroys you. 

It latches on to you and its enchanting allurement is that the source of your pain emanates not from it, but from you.  

It consumes your senses. It gets in your blood, it quickens your pulse, it takes over your mind. Suddenly you’re submerged & the thought of clear blue water rushing into your lungs doesn't seem like the worst thing anymore. 

You can experience nothing else and sometimes you feel as though you’ll never need to anyway. 

Such an exquisite form of self-destruction don’t you think

12.30pm. 15°C

Just looked over the work I have to do in the next two weeks and I'm balancing dangerously on the border of 

'Yes you can do this! Hard work and long hours will pay off' 

and 

*Tries not to panic ... Panic anyways* 

I feel like I'm letting my parents down and this is the worst part, far beyond any bad grade.  

3 am. 14°C. 

Im so done with this weather.

Had my first exam today. Wish I could say it was great good manageable passable? Slept for about 2 hours last night and woke up covered in sweat. (Okay so it was 25°C last night and I was wrapped in a winter duvet, but still). I'm disappointed in myself - sure - but I cant let this stop me. I have 3 more papers to go. We can turn this around. 

Also, I may have an inkling as to what being tired really means. I've stayed up for 36 hours straight before, but the mental exhaustion this time is so much worse. It appears studying makes us crankier, more inefficient versions of ourselves. We need more sleep, more food and more rest just to maintain a steady pace.  

But at the same time, it feels so good being this tired because it means I'm putting in everything I have. 100%. 24/7. Okay, maybe not 24/7. I love getting into bed feeling exhausted and absolutely drained - like I've earned this rest. 

Getting up the next day and doing it all over again is a terrifying thought of course. But what you could look forward to instead is that moment late at night when you (gracefully?) flop into bed and turn off the lights knowing that you, with all your might, wit and determination, did all you could to make today count.  

Junk Folder in My Brain

I think I'm having some anxiety. My pulse has been racing all day and I cant seem to keep my breath steady. I keep having to take deep gulps of air just sitting down at my laptop.


Its exams obviously. It sounds so trivial, but even as I write now I catch my pulse racing and I have to consciously calm down.


Alot has happened in the past week - it seems like everything decided to go wrong one week before exams. I've had to make important decisions after having my choices taken away from me. I've lost some money. Some sanity too.


I actively try to stay calm, but very little is working. I read somewhere that trying not to worry about your problems actually causes you to focus more on them because your mind is on the lookout for them, ready to scream, 'STOP thinking about it!' You see? Counterproductive.


I think that's why I came here. I'll just put it out there. I've acknowledged the anxiety and the worry and the stress - a sort of spring cleaning of the junk thoughts in my brain. I'm clearing it out so I can focus on my work.


Wish me luck.