Junk Folder in My Brain

I think I'm having some anxiety. My pulse has been racing all day and I cant seem to keep my breath steady. I keep having to take deep gulps of air just sitting down at my laptop.


Its exams obviously. It sounds so trivial, but even as I write now I catch my pulse racing and I have to consciously calm down.


Alot has happened in the past week - it seems like everything decided to go wrong one week before exams. I've had to make important decisions after having my choices taken away from me. I've lost some money. Some sanity too.


I actively try to stay calm, but very little is working. I read somewhere that trying not to worry about your problems actually causes you to focus more on them because your mind is on the lookout for them, ready to scream, 'STOP thinking about it!' You see? Counterproductive.


I think that's why I came here. I'll just put it out there. I've acknowledged the anxiety and the worry and the stress - a sort of spring cleaning of the junk thoughts in my brain. I'm clearing it out so I can focus on my work.


Wish me luck.

Strawberries and Daises and Sharpened Pencils

2am. 1°C. 

I’ve just finished my favourite movie for about the 152nd time, on a night when I should have been 3 hours into work instead. It seems like something I should regret, but I cant. 

Is it still a bad decision if it made you feel so good? I feel like there’s euphemism there, but I can’t be bothered – not tonight. I feel too good tonight.

Its that time of year again – crunch time.

Late nights.

Too little sleep. 

Too much coffee (Yes, there is such a thing)

I want the next month to go by in a second and yet not want it to come at all. I'm so nervous. And scared. Excited too. But mostly nervous. The past year has just whizzed by and my life has changed so much. I've changed so much. 

All I want to do now is relax. I want to go to the market and pick up baskets of strawberries. I want a vase of daises on my window sill and a bouquet of sharpened pencils on my desk. I want to causally sip coffee while reading outdoors (no one reads outdoors anymore. You notice?) I want to stroll around the park and watch the dogs playing in the lake. 

I want to slow down, but everything's speeding up. Its okay though. 

That's the way these things go. It'll get better soon - just a little while longer

After 36 hours awake, you begin to appreciate the little things. Little pleasures. Little victories. 

A hot shower.

A deep stretch.

Sunlight beaming in.

Coffee *inhales deeply*

All I could think of this morning in the shower was how good that water felt. I was 19 hours in - cold and stiff and in want of coffee. Something as simple as a hot shower instantly lifted my mood. I couldn't remember the last time I had so deeply savoured the feeling of hot beads of water beating down on my skin. I was tired and beaten down and the warmth enveloped me - held me tight and rocked me gently. I never wanted to leave.  

Its alright - a few minutes more. The real world could wait. 

It's Been Awhile

Its 2016.  

I hadn't thought about this blog in years till I was asked about it in passing. I lied - said I had deleted it. Why? I was extremely embarrassed.  The thought that my childish musings were still floating around the internet after all this time. I needed to get rid of them.  

I came here this evening with the intention of deleting this blog permanently - these cringe-worthy weekly ramblings of someone that I used to know. I didn't want to read any of it lest I recoil back in a fit of disgust. I cant tell you why I regarded my past blog posts with such a raw hatred. I guess I've always hated pictures of myself, I just assumed I'd feel the same about fragments of my past.

"Nostalgia is a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed"

I had come back, a very different person, to discover that my (edited) memories had been wrong all this time. This blog, instead of being a source of deep regret and disdain, was in fact a clear snapshot of my life at that time. It seems a perfectly obvious trait of a diary to so explicitly preserve your memories - I dont know why I didnt realise that that was what this blog was doing.  

I liked what I read.  In fact, memories came flooding back as I poured through post after post. It was a little surreal. I have become a very different person, and this blog is proof. Thoughts about sadness and suicide no longer plague my mind. I never thought it possible at the time, but I've become happier, joyful & optimistic (My past self would deeply disapprove of this word).  

I've experienced so much since then. I've moved - I'm living abroad for a little bit.  I'm studying something I've been waiting all my life to do. I'm glad that I've kept in touch with old friends and made new ones along the way. My relationship with my family is so much better. My relationship with myself is so much better.  

I guess the blog's staying up for now.  

All Souls Day 2013

Never in my entire life, have I gone to the cemetery for All Souls Day. It used to be something other people did and I was just a spectator. It was never a tradition of my family. 

Till now. 

2013. 

You could say its been a horrible year. But then again, it started out near perfectly. All I do now is pray for it to be over. I've had enough of 2013. 

We arrived at 1.30 and the weather was beautiful - Just enough wind and not too much sun. As always, I'm shocked to see your name on that cross. It's like I don't expect to see it there. Like this is all some big mistake. It takes me awhile to comprehend the situation. 

And just as I do, my throat begins to close and my eyes sting with tears. So I busy myself with lighting candles and burning incense. We bring flowers and fresh water. We say the rosary. We talk about tombstone designs and columbariums. 

I always feel bad when we have to leave. I say, perhaps more to myself than to you, that I'll come back. That I'll remember. That I'll pray. I never did it much when you were around, so its the least I could do now. 

Eric Clapton - Little Queen of Spades (Crossroads 2007)

Mr Piano Man, my gosh, what a solo.

And Clapton. Wow. I'm running out of ways to compliment this guy.

Since I am the king, baby then you is the queen

10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me

1. Going for a haircut is extremely nerve wracking. 

2. Peanut butter is absolute. 

3. Music is my muse, my drug, my lifeline. 

4. Clapton is God. 

5. I always sing when I'm alone. Always. 

6. I am actually an excellent baker. 

7. My spelling is atrocious. 

8. Yes, I needed a dictionary for that. 

9. I once swore to myself that I'd learn to read and write hieroglyphics, by myself, 
    in one year. 

10. Guitar solos are sexy as fuck.

Yes, I Miss Her Too

You don't think I'm sad? You think I get by just fine? I'm not the one who gets to break down. Not in this instance. That's for you, you get to do that. So I hold it together. I'm not going to be sad around you. It'd be selfish of me. 

I cry. I cry everyday almost. When I sleep. When I study. When I'm alone. I can't take it sometimes, all this emotion. I wish I didn't have to feel it. Like I could just lock it away somewhere and deal with it later. Or never maybe. It overwhelms me. 

She's gone. But she's safe now. I take a huge amount of solace in that. I don't expect you to see it that way anytime soon. But don't ever assume I've forgotten, or that I don't care. 

It physically hurts me to see you sad. But you need time, and I understand that. I know sometimes I come off cold and uncaring, but that's me trying to give you space to breathe. To think. To grieve. 

Time. They like to say it heals. 
I suppose we'll find out.

Eric Clapton - Layla

Probably one of the greatest love songs ever written.

Vacant

Funny how going back to school can turn you into the raging, pessimistic horror of a person you swore you'd never go back to. You'd never again need to turn to the bottom of a bottle or smoke or shoot up or cut to feel happy (or feel anything at all). 
Like a 3 month holiday was ever going to change, basically, my entire outlook on life. Who was I trying to kid?  

This whole year has gone by in a blur, and for once that's actually true. I feel a constant distance recently. And not just from people, from myself. I cant feel anymore, if that makes sense. My days have become a haze of accumulated work, assignments, applications, due dates and test scores, culminating on a one time only performance in a cold dank exam hall. 

Can you feel numb? I mean, isn't it, by very definition, devoid of sensation. 

Hunger, pain, cold, pleasure. 
Where'd they go? 

Letter to My Parents

I walk into your room, crying out for help, albeit silently, and all you can ask is 'How's it coming along?' To which I reply a monotonous 'OK'. Every.Single.Time. Does that not serve as a hint? A clue at least? I do realise that words laced with double meanings are an irritable trait of my gender, but am I to be blamed for past transgressions? No. No I shall not. 

Damsel in distress has never been my style, so you'll forgive me if it's become rather difficult to ask directly for your help. Perhaps I do not portray the correct body language and such. Slouched shoulders, heavy steps, one word answers and a defeated expression don't do it? 

Sarcasm aside, I know I have no right to complain when everything I have is because of you. But sometimes its nice to be noticed. Nice to be paid some attention. I'm not a machine, as ludicrous as it may seem. I don't guarantee a repeat of the results I've been blessed with thus far. Its this last bit that troubles me the most. Hangs over my head like a black cloud. Round my neck like a noose. Across my skin like a blade. 

I'm afraid. I live my life in constant fear of the next failure instead of living it relishing in the little victories of the present. I know this, and yet, do nothing at all to change my circumstances. (Clearly) I need some help. I think that's just what I wanted to say. The point of this is simply to ask for your help. 

Help. 

Oh, I think I'm falling in love

*hugs album*

George Harrison and Eric Clapton - While My Guitar Gently Weeps (Live!)

Awesome live version of this fantastic song! 

Clapton kills his solo and rocks the checkerboard suit! 

And I do think that's Ringo on drums :D

Slowhand

Clapton's very sexy looking Stratocaster

What a badass

The only Clapton record I own, unfortunately.

One of the greatest guitarists of our generation

Wish I could cut till I bleed. Out. 

Miss You

God, I miss you. Never have I felt feelings so strong. 

We went to see you today. Lighted some candles. Brought flowers and incense. Said the rosary. I can't look up to see your name on the cross. I break down. Throat becomes tight and my eyes water. But I can't cry. I need to be strong for the people who've really lost you. 

You're such a beautiful woman and I'm sorry I didn't tell you enough when you were with me.

One Month

7 May 2013

Its been one month. The first week was surreal - Has this really happened? Am I really here? Is she really gone? Everything went by so fast. I got caught up in all the work that came crashing down after my week's absence. It divided my conscience in two. On one end, I was so relieved to just immerse myself in something other than sadness and tears and grief. And on the other end, I'd feel so guilty. Id go through a whole day laughing and joking - Not a thought of her on my mind and not a prayer for her on my lips. What an ungrateful, undeserving person I am. 

Its a cruel cycle I go through. I wake up in the morning, exhausted, and try to find enough strength to survive my day. Paying attention in class has become such an arduous task and  by the time I get home, I've no energy will to do anything but go back to sleep. 

But realisation hits me the hardest at night as I study. After two hours or so, I look up from my books and thoughts of her pop into my mind. The sound of her voice and the wrinkles on her face and all the times she sat beside me as I studied. She kept silent, so I could concentrate, but never left the table. She kept me company. She never wanted me to feel like I was alone. 

I look up from my books now and no one's here. I'm alone. 

I think of her now in heaven, with her husband and her son and parents and siblings, and I cant feel anything but joy for her. But then I recall us here on earth, and joy immediately becomes tears. 

One month was so hard, how am I going to go through the rest of my life? 

6/04/1923 - 7/04/2013

What a strong woman you are 

You held on for so long 

After so many trials and tests 

At last you've been rewarded 

We rejoice for you 

But here on earth our hearts are shattered 

All we have left now Grandma 

Are memories of you 

They'll keep us company till we meet again 

You live in my memories forever more I swear 

Kyrie Eleison (Gregorian Chant)

 

This is one of the most beautiful things Ive heard in a long time.

Reminds me of incense and faraway dreams.

 



Najib Getting Booed in Penang (Psy Concert)

HAHA! Oh wow! 

This is Malaysia's middle finger in Jibby's face. 

Glee - No Scrubs

 

ZOMG! That leg thing Darren Criss does at 0.30! I just died!

Marry me, just marry me Darren.

 

*still fan girling over here!*