Personal Tutoring

After class, All alone,
Once the students have cleared,
It's just you and me,
I do realize I may be overstepping my bounds,
But I. Couldnt. Care. Less.

I pull my chair closer,
And watch you intently,
As you go on about ionic bonding,
I gaze at your marvelous jaw line,
And am forced to bring my eyes back up to yours,
When I think you've caught me staring.

Yes - It does seem that I've forgotten Chemistry basics,
You'll just have to teach me again,
Wonderful,
I hug myself with glee,
I can't wait for my next personal tutoring.

Note to self : Never, ever, ever read Fifty Shades before class. Ever. ;)

Pangkor Was Awesome... Nuff said

Basically, Pangkor was the chun-est chun thing since the latest chun thing, EVER.

I suppose Rueben was correct when he said 'Dei, you'll LOVE it when we get back'. The people were great, the water was fine and the sun was shining! What more could you want! And our 4am chitapa was one of the greatest things that happened there - You know who you are!

          

I cant believe how much I missed the water. All I could do was stand at the shore and wait for the water to bury my feet into the sand with each wave. Then after our not-so-snorkeling, we went to swim in the sea and bobbed around for a few hours. There was this moment where I lay down on the sand and my thoughts were clear and my troubles were gone - I'll never forget it.

         
There were so many other crazy things like Pangkor Mac, Babe and his Oscar winnning performance as Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah II, the Minions, Hollaback Muniamah, the most violent 'bottle game' EVER and climbing in the forest barefoot!

I Kinda Love Chris Evans...

I have nothing substantial to say except that I currently love Chris Evans.

Yeah, I finally went to watch The Avengers today, and my eyes were transfixed on Captain America in that fine blue suit. I would describe his character as the cute, geeky boy next door - just way more ripped!

Boy next door

He's got these piercing eyes as blue as the sea and a six pack so perfect, you'd think it was sculpted by the Gods. It shouldn't be legal to be as hot as him.

Can't you feel your heart racing, just a bit

                                   

Chris Evans as Captain America



                   

 Oh well, I guess that's it for now. I'm gonna go ogle at some more pics of him. Bye. :D

Of Memories and Old Photographs

I let you down,
I didn't realise it at the time,
I love you more than the oxygen that keeps me alive,
But time and time again,
My actions betray my pathetic words.

Please know that it was, is, and never will be my intention to hurt you,
I can't care for myself,
But I do care for you,
And I can't bear it when I do something stupid like that - without even realising.

Is this the consequence of building walls?
I speak from experience when I say emotions get in the way,
I've concluded that I don't need them.

But an unfortunate side effect is,
I am now cold and distant,
In my greatest attempts to purge myself of emotions,
I have hurt you.

I want to keep memories too,
And if pictures are the way to do that,
Then I'll take all the pictures you want,
I'll do anything - As long as you're happy.

I am sorry.

Deep Dark Thoughts

Would it be too dramatic to say,
I wish to drown in the ocean,
Somewhere deep and dark - Where light from the sun cannot reach,
Where no one will notice my absence,
Let the salt water fill my lungs,
Let me gasp and struggle in vain for the breath I traded away,
To feel the life draining from me,
And then nothing.

Would society deem me a freak,
If my deepest desire is to climb the tallest mountain in the world,
Just to freeze,
It would be rather slow and lonely, 
But it would it not be peaceful,
Nothing but cold air and snow,
With the wind lulling me into an everlasting slumber,
Ensuring me the troubles of this world are almost over,
If I just fall asleep.

Defense is paper thin,
Too deep now to ever swim against the current,
So let me slip away,
Just let me slip away.

Just Another BM Class

As I sit here,
Slouched in this uncomfortable chair,
I, with every fibre of my being,
Will the time to move faster,
Alas it does not,
In fact I think it slowed down,
Just to screw with me.

I cannot concentrate,
I feel like my brain has been super glued together,
My motor functions seem so - delayed,
I would compare it to Malaysian public transport.

Ive resorted to drawing the human circulatory system in my notebook,
Complete with names and labels,
From memory!
So you can tell how bored I am,
Yes yes,
Its just another BM class...

Joe Brooks - Someday

This is Joe Brooks.

He's my latest obsession.

He's got the wickedest accent and is SO cute. Oh gosh, he makes me feel like a girly girl. Like an innocent, lipstick wearing, handbag swinging girly girl who still believes in soul mates and true love (and Santa).

All his songs are about naive teenagers chasing after that ever elusive 'perfect love'. Doesn't it just make you smile that there ARE people who still believe in it?  :D 

I'd just LOVE him if it wasn't for the Bieber hairstyle. Oh well... :)







I suppose I should thank you...

...for not inflicting any physical damage. No hitting or beating or slapping or pinching. I suppose I should be grateful that YOU didnt leave any visible brusing. Thankfully, scars fade. But, memories do not. The pain you caused me hurt more than any beating - crying infront of you simply made me feel pathetic. So can you tell me how many sleepless nights Im going to spend reliveing those memories?

Jackass.

That was the term you used for me. Can you remember? Probably not. If Im such a nusance for you, why didnt you drop me down a flight of steps when I was a baby? Why dont you push me down a flight of steps now? It would save you time and money and save me heartbreak.

Im glad you're back
What made me say that? Why did I? The events that unfolded on Friday contradicts that ludicrous statement. I have cried many tears because of you and cut deep because of the things you say.

That wall I vowed I'd build is crumbling,
My claims of strength and indifference are lies,
My sarcastic exterior is but a mask,
To hide all the wounds,
But its nothing time and sleeping pills cant heal.

It would be too easy to blame you,
No, I blame myself for getting too comfortable,
It's my fault,
It's all my fault.

So I suppose I should thank you?

In This Dream I Was A Serial Killer

I rarely dream. If I do dream, it's usually a nightmare - something horrible will be happening to me. I'd be chased or drowning or falling. Today I had another bad dream, but nothing horrible was happening to me. No. In this dream I was killing people.

Yeah, I know it doesn't sound very scary - but you weren't the one dreaming it. It was unusually vivid, although I'm having trouble remembering the details right now. It started out like this.

I was renting out my house to people and families who were on road trips and needed a place to spend the night. It wasn't a very big house, it had the normal stuff like bedrooms, a kitchen, bathrooms, living room and a very dark hallway from the front door to the dining room. So in come this family - Married couple with kids, but i cant remember how many. We had dinner and talked before they went to sleep. It was rather late I think, and it was raining. I was walking up the stairs to sleep when I saw the husband walking out of his room. I grabbed his torso from behind with one arm and slit his throat with a kitchen knife. One clean cut.

There was no scream - He just fell to the floor. I remember I was smiling when I went into the room where the rest of them were sleeping. But I didn't kill them. I told them instead to leave, and so they did. That was the first.

After that I don't remember how the rest ended up in my house, they just did. One by one I killed them. There was this one woman, late twenties I think. She was at the door of her room when I covered her mouth from behind and slit her throat. It was always a clean slit to the throat. No scream. Always the same kitchen knife, medium length with a brown handle - Almost like the one in my actual kitchen. After every killing I would clean the knife and keep in the pocket of my shorts.

Then the scene changed.

I was at my aunt's house. Everyone was there. We were celebrating something, Christmas I think. We were in the living room and I was walking to the kitchen. I put my hand into my pocket and the knife was there, covered in blood. I pulled my hand out of my pocket and my hands were dripping with blood. Then I woke up.

Weirdest dream ever.

What? Why? How? *Dies*

W.T.F.?

I should just quit piano, join a convent on a mountain and take a vow of silence.

Haha...Not



Science Students Laugh So Hard At This

LOL

Office Shirts

I saw you in class on Sunday,
I came late and nearly died when you looked at me (and smiled),
You were explaining the collision theory of particles when I walked in.

You looked nice,
Wearing a dark brown checkered office shirt,
With those grey slacks that I oh so love,
Paired with your usual black leather belt with the shiny buckle,
And the silver watch fits snugly around your left wrist.

I've never seen that shirt before,
It looked nice on you,
But I think it'd look better on the floor.

Haha!

Humor Is Like Liquid Foundation

My name is Jane. You know why? Because it's common. You know why? So you won't know who I am. So my friends and family who stumble upon this blog won't know that it's actually ME who's blogging.
You wanna know why? Because from now on, my revamped blog is going to include some very depressing stuff. I'm going to be blogging about anything from suicide to self harm to self loathing and I can't possibly let them read all that. They'll think I'm insane - a freak ; they'll lock me up. I can't have that. I need an outlet to vent without being caught and and THIS seemed like the most logical place to do it.

Now, I'm quite pleased with my blog's new title. It sort of warns you about the kind of horror you could encounter here. My other choices were something like 'The Great Depression' or '1000 Ways to Kill Yourself Before You Die' - something funny like that. You know WHY? Because humor hides your problems like how liquid foundation hides ugly people.

No, I'm serious. I'm seriously serious.

It works like a freaking charm. I am funny. Like very funny. I'm sarcastic and witty and full of humor - because it hides your problems. (And Im not gonna bother to be modest on this blog because you dont know who I am). So my posts here are going to be depressing but it'll be funny. Somewhat. I make no promises.

So goodnight because it's nighttime.
Or rather, good morning because it's 12AM.
I don't know. You decide.

Relapse

My arm,
I can feel it tingling,
An after effect of the deed that had been done,
A lack of will power,
Coupled with an engulfing hopelessness,
Makes up that tingling in my arm.

Only a week has passed since,
I thought I'd last longer,
But I was so sad,
And it was lying right there,
It was too easy - I had too,
So I did.

I picked up,
And it tore across me,
It felt so good - Too good,
I had to do it again,
So I did.

I felt so high,
It was a rush,
And after it wore off,
Clarity came quickly,
And with clarity,
Those damn tears stopped,
I could think and feel again,
All thats left are red lines,
Lots of red lines.

Im sorry

Rabu Abu

Yes, Ash Wednesday is here! Which means it's the beginning of the lent season. Which in turn means we're all veggies for 40 days, but I don't mind. I'm actually quite excited for this year's lent and Easter, don't know why... So yesterday we went for evening mass and had ashes (of palm leaves, not people) smeared on our forehead. The whole mass was just brilliant. The cantor sang beautifully and the Chinese choir, as always, was wonderful. So after that we went for dinner.... Steamboat! Yes, we were aware that it's not as simple as Ash Wednesday dinners go, but we'll make up for it by eating more taufu.

School was not bad, mostly cause I got a few A's. And after perhimpunan, I*** and I were singing the Grease soundtrack in the BP and annoying the hell out of T*****! Meeting however was just long and boring.

Oh, and then there's The BP Ghost.

Allow me to explain.
The boys have come up with this ludicrous theory that there is a ghost haunting the BP. The theory came about to explain some peculiar occurrences in the BP. Doors swinging open and close of their own account, vanishing doorknobs and stuff misplaced in rather unusual places are just some of the happenings in the BP. This is their conclusion,

There is a guy who was murdered in the BP in the year 2117. So he has come back to his past (our present) to stop his murder from ever taking place. Yes, that means he's a time traveller.

These guys have to stop watching the Big Bang Theory. :D

And now, off to swallow a whole bottle of panadol to nurse that on coming migraine of mine.
Chow.

I'm Only Human :)

How could I allow myself to be miserable just because I fear change?
I've got to do it because I WANT to do it,
Not to please anyone,
Or to conform to ideas others have set for me,
Even if their intentions were only but pure,
I've got to be comfortable with MY choices,
I've got to be comfortable in MY own skin,
Something which I haven't been able to do for awhile now.

I've been sad for a long time now,
And the events that unfolded today,
Have shown me that there is still hope,
I'm not a lost cause after all.

I've known all along,
I just refused to accept His help,
I thought I could go through this life alone,
And after I soared, crashed and burned,
I thought He could never want me back,
How wrong I was.

Here I am at my lowest,
After all the wrong I've done,
After the last two years of my life spent groveling in sin,
Still He is here,
Waiting for me to come home.

Change will not be easy,
But I WILL try,
I WILL stop hurting,
Both outside and inside,
Soon, the marks on my arm will be nothing but a fading memory.

Just because I'm not taking it as a subject,
Doesn't mean I'm selling out,
Or giving in,
It just means that I'm only human.

Forgive me Father for I've sinned,
And thank You for all the blessings I've received,
What was lost is now found,
Your child is finally coming home,
Amen.

A-Not-So-Recovering Addict

'Oh God, I can think of a few addictions to cure'

This was what I was thinking when Father was explaining the Gospel - the actual text was about that guy on a stretcher whom they lowered down from the hole in the roof, Mark 2. I'm not proud to admit that I can't remember HOW this is related to addiction, but apparently it is.

Do I feel horrible about it?
Yes.
Do I actually intend on quitting?
No, not so much.
Hey, at least I'm honest right?
Yeaaaah, probably not.

On another note, it's now 12.47pm. Which means that today is Sunday. This in turn means that tomorrow, the exams start. Sejarah, to be exact. Die lah.

OH! And, I was greatly amused and slightly inspired when I read this post on T*****'s blog. I can never get bored of this blog, it's like a window into this guy's mind. The words in yellow are my favorite. Check it out at this link
http://xtxrx.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-give-up.html

Now, it's time to sleep. I just took a muscle relaxant and I'm feeling so high. :D


Awesome isn't it?
Yeah, I know right.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.

For Who I Cannot Be

You do not know me.
Not like the others do.
Hate and loathing know me.
They know me through and true.

I am not what I appear to be,
the light that shines is but a glow,
of the torn apart remains,
of the real me you cannot know.

If only guilt, how lovely that would be!
But among myself I am most despised.
For no greater hate can man know,
than for oneself a careful hate devised.

No crime have I committed,
yet myself won't let me be!
So sinful is my grief alone,
and the disdain I have for me.

Self-loathing, I deserve it,
but I do not answer why,
For depression is her own judge
and alone in fault I lie.

For there is no greater condemnation
than that which is your own.
Which forces you, unwillingly,
To blame yourself alone.

For who you cannot be.

- By C F Tinney, Created on April 14 2008 -

Fix Me?

Cause you really hurt me
Oh you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
Oh you really hurt me

- Coldplay, Princess of China -

I See Brainwaves

I'm beginning to detest school with every fibre of my being. I don't think I've ever hated school so much - Maths maybe, but school - never. I was actually thrilled to move on to Form 5, you know, with it being my last year and all, but now I really really can't stand it.

The reason, you may wonder...

My class

Yes, I am in the first class of my form, 5A, and the atmosphere is just terrible. It literally FEELS like the air is too thick - too dense. It's like everyone is walking around with a thundercloud over their head (or maybe that's just me) and there's so much negative energy around me. I don't know how else to describe it - aura, juju, brainwaves - call it what you want.

Now, you'd think that being in the first class, I'd be smart.
WRONG.

I'm the opposite of everyone in that class - which is probably why I'm feeling the heat so early on in the year. 'Smart enough to get in, but not smart enough to survive' is how I would describe myself. I'll be the last in the first class, just you wait. And even if I was in the second class, I'd probably be last as well - that's how brainy these people are.

And to make matters even worse, I've been slacking ever since I entered Form 4 - thinking I was all high and mighty just because I got 7A's - Yeah, BIG MISTAKE.
So now, the end result is that I have a whole year's worth of Form 4 backlog (that's nine subjects, mind you) plus a whole new round of Form 5 work as well.

Oh yes, and next week I have a monthly exam which I haven't studied for like I promised myself I would. Haih.

Moving on, Inez was right. All along. Taking another subject just decreases the probability of getting straight A+ - I knew this. I also knew that BK is so difficult to score because it's just like sejarah, except the markers are more strict - Way more strict.

And with all this, I just have to dig my grave a bit deeper and add piano exams into the mix. Yes, I just LOVE looking for trouble. As you may or may not know, I decided to finish up my Grade 6 practical this year and my exam is in April. I suck. Five year olds play better than me - my second song sucks so bad and as usual, scales and sight reading are my downfall.

The BEST part of all, is that I brought this upon myself. It's not like my parents MADE me do it, I chose it. So now, I blame no one but myself. Great - as if I need another reason to hate myself.